Six Picks With: The Venetia Fair
Six Reasons Why The Band Loves Six Flags
Hey, my name is Mike Abiuso from The Venetia Fair. My roll in the band mainly consists of running around like a f**king idiot, BUT when I have some time off I would have to go ahead and say may favorite thing to do is go to SIX FLAGS GREAT ADVENTURE! Now, there are many reasons behind this in which I will delve into a little bit for you kittens…
1) THE RIDES duuuuuhhhhhhhh…rides are the best inventions in the world. My favorite is Kinda Ka because the line goes fast, it is one of the smoothest rides is the park, and goes like 0-60 mph in two seconds (don’t quote me on anything; I know nothing, in fact I may make up facts for fun…beware) then shoots 90 degrees so you are then going straight up, do a loop or two, then come straight back and that’s the whole ride! It is my favorite because 9 people die on it a day and I love to test my odds as often as possible. To name a few other ‘smooth’ rides that are awesome….Batman, Nitro, Viper…all quality death machines. Then there’s the infamous ALL AMERICAN SCREAM MACHINE which is awesome in that it can break the neck of a small child or an older adult in two shakes of a unicorn’s horn!
2) THE SAFARI duuuuuuhhhhhh…safaris are the second best inventions in the world because they bring animals that don’t belong and force them to live in areas that are probably unhealthy for them so lazy people like myself don’t have to travel far! My two favorite parts are when you are driving through and a giraffe sticks his head in your sunroof, and when the monkeys perform hot sex with each other on top of vehicles bringing about tons of fascinating questions for children to have awkward conversations with their parents about which are then interrupted when those same two monkeys are pulling the roof racks off of your car!
3) WATER RIDES duuuuuuuuhhhhh….water rides are the third best inventions in the world because it combines the thrill of regular rides and a refreshing mist or douse of water! This really “tests the waters” (see what I did there?) when it comes to testing my odds because 12 people die (most often of drowning) every 3 seconds!! It’s a great place to meet friends because it really weeds out the pussies. The only thing I don’t like about water rides is that heavy set people tend to stay away from them, and I enjoy the company of heavy set people. They seem to always have a good sense of humor!
4) SIX FLAGS FOOD duuuuuuuuhhhhhh…Six Flags food is the 4th best invention in the world. Have you ever had a churro or dip n’ dots or funnel cake or cotton candy? Oh my mouth is watering as I type. There comes a time in every member of The Venetia Fair’s life when one will get crank pants on. Now this is always a bad time for all and there are a few simple ways to get the cranks OFF and a smiley face ON which is the ultimate and easily obtainable goal. Now, if you need me to get into all of them, feel free to call me. I would NEVER answer, BUT the easiest and most frequently used method is the consumption of what we like to call ‘sweets’ in which lucky for everyone all of the previous Six Flags foods fall into this category, and boy are they tasty. They also create heavy set people, which in a sense is creating funny people, which in a sense is making the world a better place!
5) KIDS STUFF duuuuuhhhhhh…kids stuff is the 5th best invention in the world. For me personally I have no business in that section, so I try and stay away to avoid being arrested BUT for an adult with children, they can feel free to drop their rug rats off ALL day to run off and have some real fun on the rides! For the children themselves, they can indulge in ‘Kidz Karaoke’, ‘Looney Tunes Dance Off’ and ‘Mr. Six Dance Party’ all day long and not worry about pissing their parents off. Again, I can’t say much because I stay away from these parts, but I’m sure about 30 kids go missing an hour…it’s fine.
6) (ALERT) BONUS 2 HIT COMBO (ALERT) EXTRA EXTREME RIDES AND ALCOHOL duuuuuuhhhhhhh….(alert) bonus 2 hit combo (alert) extra extreme rides and alcohol are the 6th and final greatest inventions in the world. Start off the morning with slamming 15 ice cold $8 beers, hitting the extra extreme rides which are usually an extra $7-$15, but boy are these extreme and worth it…THE HUMAN SLINGSHOT and THE FREE FALL are perfect places to blow all your money after getting fired up from beer and just hitting the highest point in the park and pulling that trigger in the back of your throat. Oh man will everyone in the park know you by face and name! In retrospect, that is the exact way The Venetia Fair has gotten so rich and so famous and so brave and what it is today!
-Mike Abiuso / The Venetia Fair